false alarm. still invincible.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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