no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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