If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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