I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize