I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
