and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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