i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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