Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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