I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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