I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
