He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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