I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
