hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
