just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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