hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
