walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
