im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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