This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
