You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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