Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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