I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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