You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Fuck appropriateness.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
