The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
