there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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