Betty ford says i'm here all night
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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