just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
