I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
