I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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