Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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