everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
