i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
