i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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