Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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