i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
