I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
