don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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