did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
