i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
