Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
