i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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