Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
