Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
