Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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