btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
