he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
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