Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
