also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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