you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize