The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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