just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
