life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
