There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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