this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
