I haven't been this sober since birth.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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