I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize