just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
