I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
