FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Small penises have feelings too.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
