I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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