did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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