We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
