i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
