There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He passed out mid-signature
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
