Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
