The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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