sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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